You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
