It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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