You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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