I puked a lego.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
