i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
