How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
