You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
