Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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