I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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