hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
