dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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