I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
