i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
