I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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