I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
