Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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