I haven't been this sober since birth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
