i may or may not be watching the land before time
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
