oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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