I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
