Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
