I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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