it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love accidental penises.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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