one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
