I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
