I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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