I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
