dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he puts the penis in happiness.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
