there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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