I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
