Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
