I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
