the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
