i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
