where am i from again
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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