I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
