i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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