cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
