Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
