3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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