can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
