I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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