I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
