Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
