I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im about as happy as oj after his trial
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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