I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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