A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
