Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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