I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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