If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
