So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
