he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
