We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
