Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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