the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
